Another lost soul with a number.
Inmate #930558, William Johnson.
I now know that being in the wrong place, at the wrong time can be fatal. And the one
question I always ask is, “Why feed my body to the beast?” I’m an INNOCENT man! ….And
the heart beat inside this beast still scares me. Even though I’ve been down 11 years with 2
left.
I think back to the day, my dreams turned into my nightmare….”I had about US$ 2,000.00 in
my pocket and a half of –O- (ounce) of green (weed). A few of my guys came around, one
said it was his birthday. So, me being me, I said, “Let’s do our damn thang (party)!” To
make a long story short, about 4 to 5 in the morning we were pulled over and locked up for
D.U.I. (or so I thought).
The next day we were charged with robbery. I went to trial, they took a plea. They got 8
years to 15 years, I got 25 years.
How did this happen to me? I’ve always had a job, I helped the ones I could and I never
hated a living soul. Until now!
Everyone wrote me letters say’n, “Pray, God will save you.”
So, I prayed, I prayed hard, but he never came. And after years I turned my hatred on
everyone and thing I feel betrayed me. I sent this poem to the ones I felt lead me the wrong
way:
You said, “God will save me.”
How, when hate rules my heart,
And the devil stole my mind,
One foot in the grave,
And my soul hurts,
The only pleasure I can gain,
Will be throu death,
Because this world,
Has long been out of my reach,
How, can you go to heaven,
When you play God?….
Taken a life one minute,
And smoke’n a blunt the next,
How, can one, who was born,
In blood,
Be saved by water?…
Death is so close,
It sufficates me at times,
Tell me! How can one,
Who does dirt in the dark,
Shine in the light?
If all I ever knew was pain,
How can I get use to pleasure?
Tell me, how…..
Can I trust a God,
Who tortured me?
One who lead me,
To the grave yard,
To impregnate a zombie,
on top of that
I found out my best friend,
Been dead for 20 years,
Tell me!…
When I see God,
On judgement day,
How do I?
Look him in the eyes,
Without kill’n him,
For all the crimes,
He forced me to commit,
Now, that everyone and thing,
That I trusted,
Betrayed me,
Who do I turn to?….
Now, you see this was my thin line. (Love/hate) I crossed it and I allowed myself to feel it.
Hate allowed myself to feel it. Hate became my woman, the one that touched my soul, when
all others refused to. She became my lover, the one I ran to, when the outside world
became too much for me. And the pain inside of me somehow became my life line. I wrote
poems about her, because I started to love her:
This pain inside of me!…
For the first time in my life,
I cried!
And each tear,
Represented a new pain,
But, my pride keeps me from,
Call’n out for help….
This pain inside of me!….
Is like fire,
Poured over my skin,
With each jolt of pain,
I feel my life,
Slip farther into the abyss,
And my world turns dark,
As everyone I loved,
Fades away…
This pain in-side of me!…
Could it have a name?
God or the Devil,
Or could I be cursed,
By both?….
The God in me,
Who dares me,
To avoid temptation,
And the Devil,
Who asks me to accept it,
As a blessing,
From the under world….
This pain in-side of me!…
Makes me say,
“God, why did tho for sake me?”
You said, “If I called,
You’d come.”
But, now that I need you,
When all I feel,
Is pain,
And everywhere I turn,
I see death,
And the more,
I back away from it,
The more apart fo me,
Likes it…..
This pain in-side of me!….
Somebody stop this devil!….
Because,
The more she shows me,
The more it turns me on,
She put a knife in my hand,
And cut someone’s heart out,
But all I felt,
Was my d**k grow hard,
And when the blood,
Made my fingers sticky,
I busted a nut,
And felt the warm,
Sticky semen of my being,
Flow down my leg,
This pain in-side of me!….
It’s not a killing pain,
It’s an enticing pain,
The kind a woman feels,
When she gives birth,
Though it hurts coming out,
Once it’s over,
You love it,
The rest,
Of your,
Life….
I don’t think, you really understand, what my life has been reduced to.
When the judge gave me 25 years, he in my eyes attempted to kill me.
That I could understand, but the one person, I trusted above all, (my woman, my soul mate,
my angel) did to me what on-one else could do. Peep, on the very same day the judge gave
me 25 years. I went back to the cell block and grabbed the phone. I needed with everything
in me to talk to someone, who could give me hope, love or just a little comfort. I started by
telling her don’t worry about it, I’ll beat this out. I said, “You know that US$ 7,000.00 you got
of mine, I’m going to get another lawyer.” My baby said to me in the sweetest way. She
said, “Ain’t no sense of me lie’n to you. I’m not going to wait on you, I have needs. My pu**y
gets wet just like your d**k gets hard. And I’m not going to be out here play’n with myself, I
want a man on top of me sweat’n. And I’m not give’n you that money either, I’m sorry, but I
need it. I know you’re mad, but I hope someday you forgive me.” Bye Love…..So, just in
case I don’t make it out of here. There are things she should know:
In case….
The world in which I live,
Becomes my nightmare,
And the two hands,
That’s pull’n my soul,
In different directions,
Rips it apart,
In case…..
I close my eyes,
Only to never open them again,
And the tears you cry,
Seem to mean nothing,
To nobody….
In case….
The ones,
Who never spent time with me,
Now realize they love me,
And you stand over my body,
To say all the things,
You wish you’d said soone,
Knowing that the words,
Will never touch my ears,
In case…..
You believe that,
I know all the above,
And that I’ve forgiven you,
For all the bad things,
You’ve done to me,
Then know!
That “no” bad deed,
Have I ever forgiven,
And upon your entry,
Into the gates of hell,
I’ll be the first,
To light fire,
To your,
Soul!
Now you see, what a fool I have been, A warm heart is for losers and I lost it all. The world
has somehow become my hell. And the light shining on me from heaven burns like acid.
Half the time I don’t even want to open my eyes. Only because I don’t want to see the fool
looking at me in the mirror:
Fooled By Love…..
You left me here,
In this prison cell,
I’m cold, heart race’n,
Every few minutes,
My body shivers,
“I’m scared!”
My soul is wet,
From tears,
Am I dead?….
Because, I was told life was good,
Or could this be a game,
Some crule person is play’n on me,
I reach out,
To put my arms around you,
But when I open my eyes,
Your no longer there,
Is this a nightmare?….
If it is, wake me up,
Please!….Don’t let this nightmare,
Turn into my reality,
It’s getting hot in here,
I can’t breath,
The walls are too close,
You said, “You love me”,
But why won’t you help me?…
My eyes are open,
I can see, “oh-no”,
I#m in a box,
inside a hole,
now, I see you,
why are you cry’n?
No, stop them!….
Don’t let them throw dirt,
Inside this tiny hole,
Wait!, you’re not cry’n,
You’re laugh’n….
I’m so fucked up, even the devil stays far away from me, from fear that the fire inside my
hatred burns so hot, that it could cremate her. If it was n’t for the tears the child inside of me
cries, I think even he would be dead. The window to my soul is in front of you, take a peek:
Look into my eyes…..
As the water,
From the thought of reality,
Body shivering as if cold,
Heart pounding from fear,
Look into my eyes…..
You’ll see the pains,
Of live’n in such a cruel world,
The dreams,
That suddenly been shaddered,
This heart that’s been broken,
And half way mended,
Look into my eyes….
You’ll see a child,
Swimming in his own tears,
With a soul,
That’s long been lost,
Look into my eyes….
And feel my tears,
With the touch of your hand,
Now, I ask you….
Can my tear drop,
Really turn into a rainbow?
Where there will be,
A pot of gold at the end,
And I’ll be granted one wish,
If not,
Why do we cry?….
As in all darkness, there is light. And all hope inside of me is not gone. Just thinking about
my girls brings a smile to my face. I now know that I put trust in the wrong angels. And the
question that they ask, I should now answer.
Momma, where is my Daddy?….
Trapped, in a maze,
Blind to the outside world,
Holding on to one wish,
That the walls,
Would somehow fall down,
And this maze,
Would somehow become a side-walk,
Momma, where is my Daddy?….
Holding onto hope,
That at the moment,
When he opens his eyes,
The darkness will turn to light,
And the angel.
Running down the sidewalk,
Will somehow be you,
Momma, where is my Daddy?…
Locked away, by the lawless,
In a hole, above ground,
In a cell,
Known to the ones in it,
As a casket,
Or as,
The forgotten grave,
Momma, where is my Daddy?….
Far away,
Yet inside of you,
Returning your stare,
As you look in the mirror,
Hugging you,
As you hug yourself,
Loving you,
As you,
Love yourself….
And they say, men are emotionless. Hell, sometimes I feel so vulnerable and fragile, that I
think, that if the wind blows to hard, I’ll brake. Now think….Do you really want to climb inside
my skin and feel and see the world as I see it? Too late…..
You just did….
© Copyright 2004 William Johnson
Sign off inmate:
William Johnson # 930558
W.V.C.F
P.O.Box 1111
Carlisle, IN 47838
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